I'm sitting here in this room after being super-late for the meeting I was supposed to have at 10 this morning. We rescheduled after I sent one of those my-life-has-been-INSANE-in-the-past-couple-of-hours-I'm-so-sorryit'llneverhappenagain emails on the way to the office. We're supposed to meet at 10:30 now, and it's 10:27, so I'm actually now early for our meeting, which I think brings us to the real takeaway here: the fact that I'm hella responsible. 

I mean, would an irresponsible employee show up to work wearing pencil dresses in wool/silk blends?

Every office chick really needs to own one of these dresses. Stop with this "separates" BS; I have 99 problems and they're all skirts that need to be worn with heels that I can never match to a top. Nope, when you were supposed to be at work five minutes ago, you'll be glad to have a perfectly fitted (if a little too tight, shoutout to my fellow skanks, wassup?!) shift dress that's made really well so that when you're climbing two stairs instead of one running to catch a train, the back slit don't split open four more inches. 

Above are my "Sorry, kid" sunglasses. You need these so that you don't have to look directly into the welling eyes of the nine-year-old tourist that you just trampled at the Union Square station. His first time in New York just became his last, as he'll never want to return to the city where he lost his pinkie toe to the blunt force trauma of a Wang(ish) heel.  Sorry, kid. 

So I'm here now, 10:30 on the dot, ready to do meeting stuff. 

No reason why I can't multitask, though, let's give away one of my most beloved nail products of all time: a bottle of Seche Vite top coat. I'd totally keep this for myself if I didn't like you guys so much. Plus I have an almost-full bottle at home. Remember to be residing inside of the U.S. and be over 18, and then show me your late (or not) work outfit in the comments. 

Also, congrats to Unreg! She was chosen at random by a robot to win the Completely Bare Bikini & Body Wax Kit! And I'm pretty sure she is Laura Dern. Be honest, are you Laura Dern? You looked SO HOT in Wild At Heart, which is, like, one my most favorite movies of all time. I seriously went out and got a bodycon dress, snakeskin jacket, and a boyfriend that my mother hated immediately after seeing it for the first time. And don't even GET ME STARTED on Jurassic Park.

Now get to seflie-ing! 

After washing my face this morning I sat down at my vanity to tone, moisturize, and start with the concealing process. My skin has never been worse; I think the stress of my move has finally come to a head nine months later (like, literally bubbling up onto the surface of my face). 

I'm sure I sound whiny and that I should be really happy, but it's hard sometimes! I miss Texas, I miss my friends, the thrift stores, the shows, the bars, the food, the slower pace of things, and my mom, who calls me "ladybug."

It was while reaching over to grab a clip to pull my hair out of my face that I saw a little yellow ladybug crawling around on one of my foam rollers. 

Then I was like, "Seriously, how the f#@% are bugs getting into my room??" and I smashed it with a thick-soled YSL pump. UGH! So gross!

Also, Dude was all slabbed out on my bed like sleeping baby ginger cherub angel, a glinting fleck of green peaking out from inside of his belly button. 

I had peeled off my manicure in a fit of 15-year-old-in-social-studies-class rage over the weekend, probably due to a huge bag of half-used products being thrown out by a certain roommate, and one of the flecks ended up in my boyfriend's tummy hole days later. Such is the life of a beauty editor... 

What beautifully disgusting surprises caught your eye today? 

I'm still suffering from super-long hair fatigue and might resort to extreme measures to have it all removed. I wonder what it's going to be that sets me off; I constantly fantasize about sawing away everything below my chin with a kitchen knife.

I slept at a dude apartment last night, and as such there was no conditioner to be had while I showered. In fact, I think I shampooed and washed my face and body with an anti-dandruff shampoo from 1997. My hair was super wavy this morning, but feels like straw. Frowns were had. 

I wanted to come up with an easy and interesting ponytail to work with the weird texture, so I tried a super easy variation of this look from July. 

Pull your hair back into a low, centered ponytail. The more imperfect the better, nothing about this look should scream "polished" or "I'm prepared for my future."

While holding the bottom elastic taut, pull one of the sides of the lengths to tighten the section above just on that side. On the opposite side of the section, pull the hair between the elastics out the other way, creating a messy bulge of hair. 

Continue sectioning your ponytail with elastics and pulling apart the sections. Alternate the sides you pull taught and pull loose as you go down the sections, so that you end up with a windy shape. 

Go over the final ponytail, pulling out each bulge of hair a bit more to exaggerate the shape and the windiness. And you'll be totally mistaken as a legit blogger-type at fashion week. If somebody compliments my hair or my shoes I'll tweet them the bitly link to my tutorial/#OOTD. 

What lazy looks do you end up creating that get totally mistaken for something that took thought and effort?

I'm barely hanging on today, it's been a long weekend of after parties and oh, don't I sound so fabulous? I want all of you to know that I was at these amazing fashion week parties because it makes me seem really well-connected and cool. Reality is that I have terrible social anxiety at huge parties full of people I don't know, let alone FASHION PEOPLE whose sole goal for the night is to look and be as phenomenal as possible. 

It's cool though, Natasha Leon was real chill. I didn't talk to her (social anxiety, remember?), but she was just like standing around being unassuming and hot. Ahh, celebrities! They're just like us! Ya, until your boyfriend is schmoozing with Ashley Smith because he wants a photo of her gap teeth, and all you see are legs and boobs and blonde. Real smart to have your party on a freaking PIER, OC! JUST IN CASE ANY SHORT CHICK IN NEED OF A SHOWER, HAIR CUT, AND FACIAL SURROUNDED BY SUPERMODELS NEEDS TO JUMP OFF OF IT. 

Also, Skarsgard the Vampire was there. I think... his(?) entrance was very swift and vampire-ish and I never like to stare at celebrities too long or take their picture because I feel that it is my job to act aloof and disinterested so as to make them feel like normal humans. Also probably because I take myself way too seriously. Who else should I name drop? I was within six feet of Rihanna's fashion mullet, it's pretty long at the moment. I also saw a bunch of people that I know solely from Instagram, but I'm not quite sure if that qualifies them as famous. 

Yikes, I'm making the weekend sound miserable. It was nice, and OC put on a great show and party and it was great to see all the homies and not have to pay for drinks. It WASN'T fun sardined on the train this morning at 9:00, but that's what glasses and huge sweatshirts are for. No eye contact, and probably no body contact either, the billowy blob creates a good 4 inch buffer between you and the strange man to your side and the other strange man to your front. They become flustered upon sweatshirt contact because women freak them out and will stop inching into your personal space so as not to expand the area of contact. 

You know the drill, or maybe not so I'll tell you: be over 18 and live in the U.S. first, then take a selfie and talk about yourself in the comments. Sorry, I'm not being very creative today but let's face it, that's what happens regardless of what I ask you to post. 

Congrats to Allie Santiago for winning the Seche Vite top coat! I'm going to send out all the prizes tomorrow, ugh I know I'm SORRY I'M THE WORST. I was going to do it today, but we had our gorgeous new intern, Megan start and I got to hang out with her all day instead. 

We tried to do a double selfie with both of us in frame but that got awkward. We just met, it's hard to give sexy faces to the same camera, you know? 

Most of my nice clothes are "dry clean only," meaning that I only like to wear them in temperatures between 60 and 80 degrees. I'll never have to clean them if I don't sweat, right?

I'm starting to get back on the track, avoiding totally skanky and far-too-casual summer dresses (and hangover clothes) and choosing more respectable and "dry clean only" outfits. 

Fun fact: dry cleaning was discovered on accident when a French dude's wife spilt kerosene all over his freaking tablecloth like a BUFFOON. He was kind of mad like, "You know that's my favorite tablecloth, please be more careful, oui?" but also noticed that the tablecloth became cleaner and thus dry cleaning, aka dipping your CLOTHING in FLAMMABLE MATERIAL, was born. Early methods used kerosene and gasoline, but now we use a "safer" flammable material called "perc." (Although if you had a favorite vintage dress at the Uptown Bibbentucker's Dry Cleaning in Dallas when it burned to smithereens, you'd call for legislative reform on the whole process.)

Back to me, it's too hot out to wear anything at risk of collecting body odors (which I don't even have, gross), so cheap ventilation is key. Enter my favorite shirt:

One of the iconic pieces from the Fall '04 Hanes menswear line, it adds that undone, French kerosene-splashed vibe to this gilded, baroque wallpaper-esque pencil skirt that makes the outfit totally appropriate for my sexy dinner date tonight, not with Dude. Pretty sure we're getting tacos, so I might have to rethink the pencil-skirted-ness of it all, because eating less tacos to feel comfortable should make sense to me but doesn't. 

I'm going to paint my nails gold to match my chain, and thought I'd throw some gold polish your way as well. (Along with a perfect red and a sexy metallic silvery blue.) 

Let's talk about our nails today, or if you're feeling your hair or face more, that's cool too... just selfie it in the comments, be over 18 and in the United States. Congrats to Zaftig Times, you'll be getting Too Faced's primer and pinky Lip Injection from Monday's post! WOOHOO! 

Similar to every trend ever in history (ahem "twerking"), many of us want to get into the oil game, but are going about it all wrong.

I began with castor oil, before moving on to coconut oil, which I would slather all over my body after showering. And then, you know, sit around and wait for it to absorb into my skin, which would never fully happen, but instead the oil would make the dye from my favorite dressing kimono bleed into my white sheets. 

Then we have hair oils, or more commonly, their rich cousins: hair serums. (Some are silicone-based, but many are filled with slippery, oily oil.) The directions say to smooth onto damp hair, or even on dry hair to finish, which I always manage to screw up; the resulting look is nothing close to this greasy goodness. 

With the exception of a modest application of facial moisturizer, I find almost (not this guy) every other kind of lotion, cream or oil sits on my skin rather than quickly absorbing into it. While I do love the indulgence of slathering thick, yummy-smelling creams onto my legs, arms and torso, I don't have the time after every shower to marinate before pulling on some jeans, which is pretty much impossible on freshly moisturized skin. And I'm finding that I prefer the one-ingredient simplicity of using an oil rather than a lotion. 

My world opened up when I discovered that I should be applying oils and hair serums in the shower rather than once I get out.

Chaz Dean originally turned me on to the idea as he smoothed product into Olivia's sopping hair over the sink during her out-of-body WEN experience. He says that by applying serums and other products onto soaking-wet hair rather than damp or dry hair, you're getting better distribution and that the wet hair more readily absorbs the product.

Two-and-a-half words: it's true.

I've been using Kerastase hair serums forever because they're amazing, but after recently starting to use them on extremely wet, just-turned-off-the-faucet hair, they work even better. I keep a bottle of serum in the shower, and pull three or four pumps through the ends and lengths of my hair before squeezing out the excess liquid right over the drain. I try not to leave any oily residue that a roommate could slip and die on. I'm terrified of ghosts!

As for the body oil, I use that as the shower is running, just after washing and shaving and scrubbing, or whatever I decide to do in the shower that day. Right now I'm really into Know Your Ingredients' Sweet Almond Softening Oil, which actually suggests in the directions that you apply during your shower. I'm left with zero oily residue; only soft, comfortable, glowy skin. 

Don't say I didn't warn you to buy grip stickers or a shower mat. 

Brayden has this really stupid tattoo... of himself. Below it has his birth year, a hyphen, and a blank space. I'm like, what's the blank space for? Is he planning on having the inscription completed post-mortem?

Also: the portrait. I think that's the first and only instance of Brayden ever wearing a tie, and he doesn't have a teardrop tattooed on his IRL face. He does have a tat below and to the side of one eye, but it's freckle-sized and barely noticeable. He gets it touched up whenever he gets a new one. Kind of like when you go into Neiman's for some products and have the makeup artist fluff some powder on your face and slap on some lip gloss while you're there. Except, you know, permanent. 

I'm allowed to say that the tattoo is stupid, because even he hates it. He says he's getting it covered soon, so why not make good use of it while I still can? 

I decided, completely sober, to try out three of my favorite makeup looks from Fashion Week on Little Brayden, a la the makeup maps backstage at every show and also all over anything MAC. 

MM6 

Makeup artist Benjamin Puckey used MAC's Chromacakes to create simple, graphic and bright eyes for Margiela's diffusion line (read: slightly-more-affordable-but-not-really line), MM6. The cheeks were subtly bronzed with a sheer orangey-brown, and the lips were a matte, delicate pink. 

I used a too-dark foundation just below the apples of the cheeks for that orangey-brown shade. I think he manages to pull it off, still very feminine while maintaining an edgy vibe:

Rag & Bone

Next we have an example of one of the most prevalent beauty themes for Spring '14: the matte, orange lip. Rag & Bone showed it with a taupe lid and clean, angular brows. 

Be sure to dab any glossiness off the lips by pressing a tissue gently against them and dusting over the tissue with translucent powder. This will mattify any lip color. 

Betsey Johnson

Betsey Johnson came out of left field with the super metallic silver makeup for her runway show, which is why she's totally awesome. Huge black brows, cotton candy pink cheeks, and huge pink wigs completed the look. 

If you take anything away from this post, it's that NYX's Felt Tip Liner and Salon Perfect's Clear Lash Adhesive are the bomb. Both how you would want a felt tip liner and lash adhesive to work while everything you keep trying falls short. The liner is way dark and contains plenty of ink in the super-narrow tip, and the clear adhesive is CLEAR! So no having to go over any glaring glue lines with liner. Dope!

What's your favorite look on Little Brayden? I'm partial to the last because of the brows, obviously. What do you think he should get to cover it? I know the first thing that comes to mind is a MorphThing-type image of our child, but let's get creative. 

You know how you get a crease or kink in your hair from an elastic? This look is that, but intentional. I dunno, I just think it looks cool. 

So it's really easy. Just...

1. Straighten your hair:

2. Section out small pieces and pull tight to bend around a straightener:

3. Spray some hairspray on your hair and some texturizing spray onto the straight ends to separate. This will make the kinks stand out more. Then be hot:

Annnnddd the off-center homepage shot for good measure:

Yay! So what are you going to do this weekend? If previous "Look To Try" comments are any indication, lemme guess: "NOT THIS!"  Regardless, I hope you have a great one! 

Fun fact: I've never been allergic to anything ever except for sulfa meds. I was in ninth grade when I was prescribed Bactrim, and despite the red, itchy rashes over half my body, I looked really hot. Even at 15, I wanted lip injections, and I've been dying to get my hands on some swell-inducing sexy pills since. Pretty sure they even made my eyebrows bigger.

Last night I slept in a strange bed with new, straight-from-the-factory bedding, and was hella itchy all night. It felt exactly like my Bactrim reaction, minus the sexy, swelly lips. (Real talk: do I eat the bedding?)

So I took some Benadryl this morning to calm the reaction, but unlike freshman me, walking around high school with a note safety-pinned to my sweater instructing my teachers not to become upset or disturb me if I happen to fall asleep in class, I'm zombie-ing through today sans warning label. (I also am apparently VERY sensitive to the tripping-balls aspect of antihistamines. But my mom already knew that. Hi Mom, I'm fine, thanks. And I talked to Andrew last night. That's nice about his new girlfriend. Why did you name your children the boy/girl version of the same name?) 

When I'm not staring blankly across the room trying to remember where I am and what I should be doing, I'm having really amazing hair. I tried a new curling method on Sunday (BIG ANNOUNCEMENT coming tomorrow), which left my hair looking as I wish it always would, but doesn't. Observe:

I think this was the hair I was meant to have, but consuming too many Mom's-out-of-town-and-Dad's-feeding-us Happy Meals before apples and milk were options caused adverse chemical reactions in my skin and scalp, making my curls laze into waves and giving me post-adolescent acne.

I'll post an entire tutorial tomorrow, including tips on how to make the slept-on curls look amazing on day two. For now, though, I'm giving away what's possibly the best-smelling facial cleanser of all time: Lush's seasonal "Let The Good Times Roll."

It's apparently supposed to smell like popcorn. Which I guess I can understand, if by "popcorn" they mean, "popcorn drenched in melted cotton candy with maple syrup on top, completely masking any odor that even slightly resembles popcorn." I'm not usually one for sweet-smelling stuff, which makes me nauseous, but I can't take my nostrils out of this pot. 

Win the pot that my nostrils have been in by being over 18 and posting a selfie of your amazing hair. Congrats to mondo cutie, Archiepartytime on winning the Estée serum from the last post! Pretty sure the dude on my shirt was, in fact, GG Allin, punker jerk extraordinaire. Bleh.

OK, so maybe the subhead is a bit of a hyperbole. But I promised a big announcement today, and it's coming straight at you in the form of an Official Beauty Editor Decree:

Curls are in. 

I LOVE curls and need to stop being okay with having regular sexy hair and instead try to reach my full potential by always having curly sexy hair. I'm seriously considering a perm in the hopes of effortlessly waking up to it each day, but for now this look is quite a process. 

I've got two things not in my favor: my length, and the fact that styling--especially curl styling--usually involves heat. My ends have been dead for probably a decade at this point, and while they're hanging on, they can't take much abuse. I don't like to think of them as "damaged," but rather like a really beautiful, really fragile beaded '20s flapper dress. Vintage, ya heard?

The **FLEXI RODS** are the answer for hair like mine.

They're long foam tubes that come in varying thicknesses, containing a wire down the middle. You roll your hair around the shaft starting at the ends toward the roots, and bend the rod in place. 

A few things to keep in mind:

• Use a mousse applied to wet hair for weightless, evenly-distributed hold. I'm totally down for blowPro's Body by Blow Volumizing Mousse, which holds the curls but doesn't feel crunchy or sticky at all.
  
  
• Hair should be basically dry before you start rolling it. Like just dry, to where you can still feel some of the cool wetness, but your hair doesn't stick together with too much water moisture. If you hair is even a little wet in the rollers, the curls will fall. The foam is NOT porous and the moisture will not evaporate, even overnight. 
  
  
• Smooth the ends down over the curler before you begin rolling, and as you roll the first two rotations, make them over the ends to secure them in place before you use the rest of the length of the tube to curl the lengths of your section. This will ensure that the ends have some curl and no kinks from being haphazardly rolled into the tube any other way.
  
  
• Don't roll too tightly. The foam shouldn't crimp under the tightness of your hair wrapped around it. If you wrap too tightly you'll get weird, unevenly wavy curls with little crimps, and this could potentially damage your hair.
  
  
• Secure the curlers by bending any way that stays and is comfortable to you. I bent them in little twists, but I've seen photos of women who use them completely straight, with just the ends bent over to hold the rolled hair in place.

 

Using slightly different-sized rods will give more texture and body to the final look. 

• These are NOT comfortable to sleep in, but this is probably your only option as you need to let them set for at least 4, but at best 8 hours. I'm itching for a dome hair dryer and may or may not have ordered a vintage blue on one Etsy. 

Again, not comfortable to sleep in. But worth it. 

• Upon removal you'll be all, "WTF I am a Toddler In Tiara."
  
  
• Be sure to spray each curl with a light misting of hair spray as you remove the roller. I like to do this in conjunction with a finishing coat. Any less hairspray and you might as well chop off all your hair and eat it with room temp whole milk like a sad bowl of cereal. Hairspray: lots of it. 

The curls will look like cheesy ringlets when you first remove the rollers. 

On my left are the un-brushed ringlets, and on my right are glorious, fluffy, angel cloud curls.

Deadstock 90's photo-real wrap crop tops are the only thing you are allowed to wear with this hair. 

The slightly different-sized rollers make a huge difference. Having some sections tighter than others adds to the fluff and width. 

And if you read this up to twenty minutes after it went live: when is too early to write a headline?

This morning is not chill, I am absolutely not feeling this morning. I can't take a good photo to save my life, leading me to believe that my prime selfie hours are between 10 am and 4 pm, when my eyes start melting out of my skull from looking at a computer screen all day. 

I bought this outfit for $5 off the sidewalk on the way to the train one day after work. The shop has been peddling the same sidewalk merch since I started working on Vain, back in January. The $5 sale has been going on for nine months now, with no end in sight. 

I can't figure out how it's still going on, this outfit was a STEAL! I bought the drawstring shorts/jersey to wear to fashion week to prove that anything can look expensive and important when worn with Wang boots. I choked and wore something else. But you know who did end up wearing this to fashion week? This guy. Obviously. 

Anyway, hurry and get yours while they last, 28th Street between Broadway and 5th. $10 minimum on cards unless you roll your eyes and say,"never mind," by the way. 

I'm trying to pick myself up with this glitter eyeshadow but I don't know if it's working. People don't wear enough glitter during the daytime. I get it, it's not "office appropriate," but what's so offensive and distracting about a little sparkle? I hate that last sentence. 

My hair still looks great from yesterday, and I found this Honey & Almond Body Butter from C. Booth in my "to use" cabinet to give away. It smells pretty freaking great--which I guess is why I took this home--and honestly, who doesn't love smothering themselves in food-scented creams?

Send me your terrible morning selfies, be over 18 and in the US. Congrats Sun Bear (cute name), you won whatever you wanted to win from that last post. Oh ya, the face wash I think. Mmm all this stuff smells so good.

Quiz: anybody remember what I normally use in my eyebrows? Answer: probably not! You know why? Because I pitched a story about it to xoJane.com when they were hiring beauty writers and it was REJECTED. I stopped reading the site for a week or so when they announced their new beauty team out of feeling not cool enough... Shout out and congrats to Tynan, Gabi, Allie Riley Jones (always the full name for this one, it just rolls off the tongue), and Gala if you're there. Where you at, Gala Darling?

Anyway, my eyebrow grooming product of preference has always been a dried-out tube of Le Métier De Beauté's Anamorphic Lash Mascara in Brownish Black. The dried-out-ed-ness is intentional, it wears more like a waxy paste and applies more sparingly than a fresh tube. I post Craigslists ads asking for women who have been using a tube of the mascara for at least two months to sell it to me in exchange for $34 and authorship on the site. How do you think I found Beth? 

I still think it's great, but obviously difficult to come by. That's why I was so stoked on this new stuff from Benefit: Gimme Brow. It's a brow-thickening "brush-on fiber gel," that's water resistant, long-wearing, natural-looking, and buildable. (Adjectives straight off their press release, but I have to agree. Those are adjectives, right?) 

It works exactly as my old stuff--sticking to not only the brows but a little to the skin beneath to darken and make the brows look fuller. And it's TEENY!

My huge brows can handle a jumbo-sized mascara wand, but the small size of the Gimme Brow applicator is pretty brilliant for most women. 

Yes, I realize that I don't have the perfectly-shaped, impeccably-groomed Kardashabrows, but the after result is a much more polished and fuller version of my natural brows. Which I like and want! 

My only request is that along with the light/medium and medium/deep shades that Benefit make a black and also a navy sparkle version. Thank you in advance!

For this weekend's Look To Try, I'm incorporating a bunch of trends that we've seen on the site recently: colored mascara, matching your eyeliner to another part of your face, bright blue, and just being hot in general.

What. 

I found the full line of Maybelline's limited edition Great Lash Colored Mascara at a Duane Reed in Midtown, so they're still out there available for purchase. Yahtzee! The "Blink Of Blue" seemed to be the brightest of the collection, so I went with it. 

I smeared the product from the wand onto a plate until I got a decent dollop of paste to work with. (I keep a tiny tea cup plate at my vanity for mixing stuff. Or just use the back of my hand or a quarter, which is germy and gross.) Then I took my 1/4'' angle brush and used it to line my lashes with a thickish wing. 

After lining, apply the blue mascara on the lashes. I used multiple coats to get the best color and coverage; I even painted the tops of the lashes blue with the brush. This causes lots of clingy, spider action, so I used a safety pin to separate the lashes. Dangerous? No, this is old school gangster, don't be a pussy. 

Finish with thick brows and freshly exfoliated lips with some cherry lip balm. The look's a little mod, but mostly weird. Hot weird. 

So what are you doing this weekend? I'll be at the Book Fair at PS1. I stopped by briefly last night but there were way too many tall people, so I left. Here's hoping that tomorrow there'll be a much shorter crowd! 

Was that "Yellow" song a sad song? It sounded sad but all Coldplay songs sound sad, so I can't really tell. I just listen to the Yardbirds or anything else instead. 

I'm wearing yellow next to a yellow wall and a yellow lamp and feel sad, which is why I ask. I shouldn't be having a Dixie Cup full of Goldfish and a gross sweet/salty nut blend (And Crunchy Cheetos -Future Annie), but instead of getting lunch I was having an emotional conversation about emotions on a park bench. 

I really should be eating plants right now, as I'm starting my seasonal juice cleanse tomorrow. You're supposed to ease in and out of a cleanse, bookending on two boring-ass raw salad-eating days, but I'm really into food, especially if it's free and convenient. I'm also getting a facial this evening, meaning that by Thursday night my skin should still become the milky goodness that is Amanda Seyfried. Yep, that's all it takes to be Amanda Seyfried. 

Tell me what your cartoon outfit would be and selfie, obviously. You could win FIVE Body Shop lipsticks that you must rotate. Rotate or DIE. As in the "Vote Or Die" campaign wherein you don't actually die. Be over 18, in the U.S., blah blah blah...

Congrats are in order for Llewyrr in that sexy hoodie goodness. You looked like a Jedi seductress and shall be awarded with that almond body cream. Although I'm not really rewarding you, as a robot chose you at random for the win. Still, congrats. 

I actually had no clue that it's illegal to have your cuticles clipped at a salon. I didn't get a ton of manicures while living in Texas, but I definitely remember having my cuticles snipped at all of them. I like the smooth, uniform look of having them trimmed, and won't settle for anything else. 

Observe my un-manicured fingers:

I haven't cared too much about my nails since buying my ukulele. My callouses at the tips are peeling and the nails will need a trim soon, but a quick scroll to the top nav bar will show that "nails" are 20% of my available topic options for writing on this here site, so I'll pay attention to my cuticles as I find the time. Which, by the way, is not often. 

Some people don't believe in doing any sort of pushing or clipping to their cuticles at all, leaving two polish options.

OPTION 1: Paint them over...

OPTION 2: Paint just up to the cuticles...

Both options spark such extreme anger deep, deep inside of my squishy gut worms that I literally start sweating out of pure rage. They're reminiscent of nothing clever or funny--because this isn't a joking matter--just of a chick that doesn't know how to paint her own nails. "Sloppy"'s the word. 

Next we have the option of pushing the cuticles back. You can soak them in soapy warm water, or use a cuticle removing product to expedite the process. This might work for a chick with cute little cuticles, like the piping on the edge of a mid-range leather handbag, but I've no such cuticles. 

OPTION 3: Push the cuticles back...

You can see that my cuticles don't scrunch back into submission, they become so big and overgrown that when melted and pushed, they just lift up from the nail like tissues standing up out of a box. I see this option with polish and curl up in a corner screaming, "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU."

This is why I snip. 

OPTION 4: Clip them off, for the sake of all that is holy.

I've read arguments that trimming cuticles puts you at risk of infections and viruses and all the etcetera. So does: shaving, popping and picking zits, tweezing, and waxing. Be smart about it. Don't clip too close to the skin that's still alive around the nail bed. And wash your hands as often as you should. As for having them clipped at a salon, I can see how cleanliness would be an issue. Salons also spread foot viruses from the soaking tubs. If you're that worried about it, I'd stay away from salons in general. I do! 

Clipping cuticles doesn't mean that you're walking around with a gaping hole on your finger for which germs to fall into. It's all about removing that dead skin that's been creeping up your nail. UNDERSTAND?

Thank you and have a good afternoon. 

I'm don't want this article to make me seem like a total flake. I reserve the sick makeup for when I'm in a real bind, and have only used it in dire circumstances, like every other day of high school. I'm sharing this tutorial with you in the hopes that you save it for these times. With great power comes great responsiblah blah blah.

Right, sick makeup. For when you have to see somebody IRL and convince them that you can't do whatever they want you to do at the time. This needs to be subtle to be realistic, and is actually pretty easy to do if you have the right stuff, which you probably do. 

STEP 1: Pale Foundation

Only slightly more pale than your actual skin tone. For instance, I'm using my "winter" foundation. You want to look a little washed out, but again, subtle. 

STEP 2: Exfoliate Your Lips

You know when your nose is congested and you can only breathe out of your mouth? And your bottom lip hangs open like a fish? Work on holding your lips that way. Scrubbing them with a lip exfoliant like the sugary Lush pots, will make them appear raw and swollen (but still feel really nice). You can also scrub your mouth with a warm, damp washcloth for similar results without the moisturization.

Many fake-sickers make the mistake of using foundation on their lips to look super washed out, but if you want to look contagious it's really important to make the skin around your mouth, nose and eyes appear irritated. 

STEP 3: Redden Your Nose

Any red lipstick will do, as long as it's not shimmery or metallic in any way. Just dab a bit onto your finger and then dab onto the tip of your nose and around your nostrils. Exaggerate the irritated lip area by dabbing some red or mauve lipstick around your top lip as well. 

STEP 4: Darken Your Under Eyes

Again, don't use any product with shimmer for this. Take a flat mauve powder shadow and fluff it under your eyes where your dark circles would occur if you were actually tired or sick. 

STEP 5: Redden The Corners Of The Eyes

Use the same lipstick that you dabbed at your nose and top lip on the outer corners of your eyes. This will make them look like you've been rubbing them and spreading eye germs all over your room. 

STEP 6: Fake A Clammy Glow

Rub some moisturizer over the palms of your hands and press onto your face. Then spritz yourself with some facial mist to look kind of sweaty and moist. Like it's way too hot to be wearing your sick sweatshirt but you have the chills so you're wearing it anyway while you sweat off your fever. 

Bonus points for greasing up the roots of your hair, that would really drive the look home. Also, remember to keep breathing out of your mouth. Oh! And act dizzy upon standing or sitting up. And surround yourself with crumpled tissues, bottles of OTC drugs, and half-finished cups of herbal tea. 

Am I forgetting anything? 

So as I mentioned previously, I'm on a three day cleanse courtesy of Love Grace. More to come on the brand, (they have a cleanse specifically to improve your skin--so neat!) but I know I already like them because instead of a super-strict instruction card that tells you, "If you MUHST break your cah-leanse, I SUHpose you can have a singular stick of celer-eh."

Instead they're all, "listen to your body... If you feel you need to eat, we advise organic fruits and vegetables or a light salad." Well, I've been listening to my body a lot today, mostly on these air puffed green beans at this staff meeting, which totally qualify as vegetables and are probably organic. Too bad they taste like ass and are doing NOTHING for me other than satiating my need to chew. 

So, going along with this pretty-from-the-inside-as-in-the-foods-you-eat-because-who-cares-about-your-personality thing, I'm giving away this huge bottle of sea buckthorn supplement. It's apparently tangy and sweet, and a shot of it each morning will get you all those Omega fatty acids, including the "elusive" 7's that you want for beautiful hair, skin, and nails. 

Also, my friend was Googling me and found this video of the flip books I used to make when I was a freshman. 

Tell me about your weird art projects or the worst DIY juice you've ever made and include a selfie, be over 18 and live in the US and a robot will randomly choose a winner. 

Congrats to dimthedaylights! You won those awesome Body Shop lip colors.